Caution: God at Work

Matthew 19:1-12

Normally when I look for jokes on a certain topic, I find just a few, ten or twenty at most. But when I looked for jokes on the subject of divorce, I was amazed at how long the lists were. Here is a small sampling:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

The only difference between marriage and prison is that at least prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence. – Rick Friedling

I just got back from a pleasure trip – I drove my wife to the airport.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years…then we met.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. – Ree Larkin

I think – therefore I’m single – Lizz Winstead

Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die. – David S. Goldberg

I still miss my ex-wife….but my aim is getting better.

Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married.

So why all these jokes about marriage and divorce?

A couple falls in love, decide to get married, look forward eagerly to that day and enter into their honeymoon. This lasts for a period of time, weeks and months and maybe a year, but then reality steps in. Marriage requires work. Marriage is hard work. Marriages do not prosper all by themselves. Marriages require that we work against our human nature which seeks to put us first and makes satisfying our needs more important than the needs of our spouse.

It is possible to be a giving, caring person at your day job but when you come home you want to relax and that is where our human nature asserts itself. We can be wonderfully sensitive and sacrificially caring for others but when we come home we want to be king or queen of the castle.

As I read through Matthew 19 for this week, I was drawn to Jesus’ teaching on divorce and from this teaching I want to present three lessons.

The first is that marriage is a one flesh relationship created and fed by sex, not to be entered into casually and not to be broken.

Some Pharisees came to [Jesus]  to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

There were two leading schools of thought about divorce at the time of Jesus and the debate centered on Moses’ words in Deuteronomy 24:1-4
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house…

The debate focused on the phrase, something indecent.

One group followed Rabbi Hillel and said a man could give his wife a “certificate of divorce” for almost any reason, even finding another woman more attractive than his wife. “Something indecent” could refer to anything that displeased him.

The other group followed Rabbi Shammai and believed that a man could divorce his wife only if she had been unfaithful to him. “Something indecent” referred narrowly to adultery.

The Pharisees wanted to trap Jesus by asking him if it was lawful to divorce his wife for any and every reason. If Jesus supported divorce, he would be supporting the Pharisees position and taking sides in the debate which would alienate some of his followers. If he spoke against divorce, he would be speaking against the law of Moses.

Jesus did take a side but he leaped over the debate between the two schools of thought and went back to the root text that underlay the whole issue of marriage.
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

The Pharisees debated how much power a man had in a relationship with his wife. Jesus went back to what happens when a man is united with his wife.

Sexual purity has been a problem in every generation; it is one of the constants throughout the ages. Sometimes there is a social veneer that covers the sexual misconduct of a society, but beneath the surface or out in the open air, sexual activity outside of the covenant of marriage has always been a problem. In a world that does not value and never has valued sexual purity, we need to understand what a “one flesh relationship” is.

And as Jesus went back to the root of what marriage is, so do we need to go back to the root of marriage. God created sex to be both the means by which we have children and a pleasurable act. God created sex to be both procreational and recreational. Sex is a wonderful gift of God but God designed it to be used within the covenant of a marriage relationship because sex serves the purpose of bonding husband and wife together into a one flesh relationship.

Sex is like putting glue on two pieces of paper and sticking them together. When you later try to pull the two pieces of paper apart, both pieces of paper are destroyed. Sex creates a relationship that is not meant to be torn apart.

There is more that takes place in sex than just a physical act. God created sex as a way of bonding two people together physically, emotionally and spiritually.

In the marriage course which finishes up this evening, we have talked about how sex is not icing on the cake of marriage, it is part of the cake itself. Sex is a physical act but it creates intimacy in a relationship that the relationship needs to thrive. Sex feeds intimacy in marriage just as water feeds a plant. Take sex out of a marriage relationship and the marriage will begin to wilt.

The tragedy of our sexually promiscuous cultures is that when people engage in casual sex there is a repeated bonding and ripping that takes place that negatively affects the ability of these people to have intimate, trusting relationships. Sex outside of the covenant of marriage may be momentarily exciting but it is ultimately destructive.

It is for this reason that God said
the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

God is not arbitrary. God does not say ‘not to get divorced’ simply because he needed to have a few more rules. There is deep purpose behind the will of God for our lives and when we submit and obey, we receive deep blessing from him.

I would imagine that many of us in this congregation have suffered at the hand of divorce. It may be that your parents divorced. Although you may have recovered from the pain of that divorce, it is important to realize that the action of your parents scarred you.

It may be that you had a marriage that ended in divorce and it may be that you had valid reasons for getting divorced. I am not here this morning to judge anyone for what they have done. But it is important to recognize the scarring you received in this relationship that ended in divorce.

It may be that you have been sexually active outside of marriage. There are a lot of ways in which we are hurt by sexual misconduct.

To all of you who have been hurt, let me remind you of the grace of God that takes us, sets us on a straight path and cleans us up. It is possible to receive healing for our scars from the past.

God is so creative and so powerful that he can make good come out of evil. If you are happily remarried after a divorce, it is testimony to God’s grace in your life that you are so blessed. If you were sexually active and now you are living a life of purity, God can heal you so you can have in the future a wonderful, intimate marriage relationship. If you suffered from the divorce of your parents, God can heal the hurts of that trauma and make you whole.

If you are struggling in your marriage, let me encourage you to stick it out. I have said in wedding sermons that the institution of marriage is more important than our happiness in the marriage. Work through the difficulties in your marriage for the benefit of society and for your own benefit. Persevere, seek counseling and pray that God will restore your relationship.

I will return in the third lesson from this passage to share the most important reason why you should persevere in your marriage.

A second lesson from this passage is that men love power and do not easily give it up.

Jesus reminded the Pharisees of the one flesh relationship God intended from the beginning.
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

The Pharisees set out to trap Jesus and he avoided their trap by taking them back to the beginning. And then he came down on the side of Rabbi Shammai and his followers who very strictly interpreted the phrase “something indecent” as meaning only adultery.

This was apparently not a very popular understanding because when Jesus came down on this strict side of an understanding of divorce, the disciples reacted.
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.

Peter, James, John and the rest – not the Pharisees, but Jesus’ disciples –  responded to Jesus’ teaching by saying, “If a man can’t be married and divorce his wife when she becomes troublesome, then why would any man in his right mind want to get married?”

Men enjoy being in control of their marriage and if the culture gives them permission, they take advantage of it.

Men love reading these verses from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: (Ephesians 5:22–24)
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Men take these verses and use them to beat their wives into submission. “The Bible says you are supposed to submit to me so do what I say. My decision is the one that counts and my word is final.”

The problem is that men do not see the verse that serves as a heading to these verses: (Ephesians 5:21)
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Submission is mutual, not just between a husband and wife but between all who are in the family of Jesus. Christians are meant to live in mutually submissive relationships with each other. Paul illustrates this principle with wives, husbands, children, slaves and masters. All of these need to submit to one another.

Paul goes on to describe how it is men are supposed to submit to their wives: (Ephesians 5:25)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Men who use the Bible to dominate their wives should consider the analogy of the church as the bride of Christ. Christ is the bridegroom of the church who is his bride. Do men want to have Christ treat them the way they treat their wives?

Does Christ force you to do what he wants you to do? When it is time to make a decision, does Christ force his will on you? When you struggle with sin and give in to sin, what does Christ do to you? Does Christ slap you and tell you to get your act together? Afterwards does Christ remind you every day of the bad things you have done? Does Christ demand that you serve him?

When Jesus saw how hopeless you were, how lost you were, he humbled himself and became a man. He died on the cross for you. He sacrificed his privileges and prerogatives so you could have life. When you struggle, Jesus reaches out a hand of forgiveness and pulls you back into an intimate relationship with himself. Jesus works to make you shine in the world as you work to reach your full potential.

Jesus came to serve you and that is how you are supposed to love your wife. You are supposed to care for your wife, consider what she needs to make her more fulfilled in life, encourage her so she more fully uses the talents God has given her. Your job in marriage is to make your wife feel loved and cared for. Your job is to make your wife shine in the world as she reaches her full potential as a woman of God.

As a husband, you are called to give up power, set aside your rights and privileges and serve your wife.

A friend of mine who is a pastor of one of the other churches in Morocco was teaching on marriage and the importance of having your spouse be your best friend. A man who is very active in leadership of the church and whose wife is very active in leadership of the church, said, “How can my wife be my friend when she is supposed to serve me?”

In the King James Version of the Bible Genesis 2:18 reads this way:
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

The King James Bible was the version read by the church for three hundred years so the language of the King James Bible has been very influential in the culture of Christianity – and not always in a positive direction.

Eve was created to be a help meet for Adam. This became, over time, that Eve was created to be a helpmate for Adam which led to the understanding that Eve was created to serve Adam.

But what it means in the KJV that Eve was created as a help meet for Adam is that she was created as the appropriate help for Adam. Eve was created as an equal partner to complement Adam. Eve provided what Adam lacked in himself.

You’ve probably heard the illustration that Eve was made not from Adam’s feet so that she would be beneath him and not from his head so that she would be above him, but from a rib from his side so that she would be equal to him.

Husbands, you are not called to make authoritarian decisions in a marriage; you are called to love and serve your wife and together, as husband and wife, you make decisions.

Many of the problems in our societies come from the fact that men have been terrible husbands and terrible fathers. When you love your wife as Christ loves the church, your marriage will be transformed, your wife will be transformed, you will be loved by your wife in a way that will transform you, your children will be blessed. Blessing will erupt all around you.

The third lesson is that marriage is one of God’s tools for sanctification. God uses marriage to mold us, change us, make us more holy.

Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

There is debate about what Jesus is referring to when he says, “Not everyone can accept this word.” Is he referring to what he said about marriage or about the disciples’ proposal of celibacy?

But whatever his teaching is referring to, his words do indicate that there are options for us. Not all of us will be married and marriage is not the goal for any of us. If you meet the right person and get married, that is cause for celebration, but getting married does not mean you have arrived at the top of the mountain with nothing more to attain in life.

Everything in this life is going to one day disappear. When you die, you will not take the wealth of this world with you. You will not take the world’s praise and acclaim with you. You will not take your accomplishments with you. And you will not take your marriage with you.

Marriage is a God-created and God-given institution and it is intended to be the means by which we reproduce and a pleasurable act that draws us together in intimacy. This is the temporal purpose of marriage. The eternal purpose of marriage is that through it we are transformed.

Tim Keller from Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, New York City says that marriage is a five ton truck driving over a four ton weight limit bridge. Marriage reveals the stress fractures in the bridge that need to be repaired and this makes it a great tool for our sanctification.

Marriage is not the only tool God uses to sanctify us. God works through other relationships, work situations and small groups. God uses all the events of our lives to work in us and transform us into people of faith and purity. But marriage is one of God’s more powerful tools.

You may have had the experience of being in a small group with someone you did not like and it is painful to stick it out and get to know that person, pray for that person, and be transformed by that person. Many times people decide to leave the small group because of someone they cannot get along with. This is unfortunate because it is in relationships like this that God works to change us.

The advantage of marriage as a tool for sanctification is that it is more difficult to leave a marriage than it is to leave a small group or a church.

In marriage, after the honeymoon is over and there are a couple toddlers demanding your time and energy with a house to keep clean and meals to cook and clothes to wash, the cute habits of your spouse become irritating. You no longer have so much time for each other and you get caught up in the mountain of responsibilities in front of you.

You find yourselves arguing about who should clean up, who should take care of the kids and how money should be spent. If one of you works outside the house, you come home wanting to relax. The person who has been home with the kids wants you to help out so he or she can relax. It becomes a fight to protect your rights and privileges.

I put the picture on the bulletin cover of a photo of a couple arguing with each other with the photo torn in half, separating them from each other. This is a picture of a couple who is either heading for a divorce or are in the process of separating themselves from each other.

And the caption under the photo reads: Caution: God at work.

This is the most important reason it is good for you to persevere in your marriage: God is using your marriage to make you holy. And becoming a holy person is not a painless experience. When there is tension in your marriage, God is using that time to transform you.

When you decide that you cannot abide in your marriage any longer, you are telling God you do not want him to work in your life. To get divorced is to reject God’s refining work in your life.

I must say that there are occasions when I would encourage someone to step out of their marriage. If a spouse is physically abusive, it is time immediately to get away. I do not want what I am saying to be held to absolutely.

But most people get divorced because they do not want to go through the painful process of transformation that God is doing. It is not that God creates the pain we experience, but he helps us in the midst of the pain to grow and be transformed into his holy children and that is what is most important. That is what will last for eternity.

For those of you who are married, let God use your marriage to change you. I know it is not always easy and that some of you are in more difficult relationships than others. But God is at work in you. Persevere and allow God to do his work.

For the men who are married, love your wife. Pray each day that God will increase the love you have for your wife. Encourage her to grow in the use of her gifts and talents. Make her shine in the world. Serve her. Love her like Christ loves you and you will be blessed.

For those of you who are not married, protect the institution of marriage by being sexually pure. Know that God is also at work in you, transforming you into his holy daughter or son. When you have conflict with a friend or roommate, understand that God is using that relationship to transform you. Don’t walk easily out of friendships. Persevere so God’s work in you can continue.

1 Thessalonians 5:23–24
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.